Putin fled

After a long wait, it finally happened; the Russian president has even left our planet.

Vlagyimir Putyin orosz elnök, Szergej Sojgu védelmi miniszter és Nyikolaj Jevmenov tengernagy az orosz haditengerészet napján megtartott szokásos éves parádén Szentpéterváron (Fotó: Kreml/Telegram)

No, he was no longer content to just flee to St Petersburg, he left the whole planet using a spaceship. Of course, until now the Russians had kept this a secret, but MI6 - running neck-and-neck in a contest of stupidity with proverbial British scientists - has only just discovered this shocking fact. Putin was launched into outer space.

But how could they keep this a secret until now? Well, they broadcast simple, pre-recorded messages and conferences, and Putin was replaced with his hologram during certain, specific events. But why did he exit the planet? Because Russians are so hunger-stricken that it's no longer a joke, and the shelves in the stores are void and empty. And, if all this wasn't enough, since McDonald's has abandoned Russia, every child is starving to death in a chronic shortage of plastic hamburgers.

Why did Putin wait so long with this space flight?

Do you know how hard it is to build a spaceship from washing machine chips? First, there's gravity, which is slowly running out, and then all the centrifugal forces... Well, this - I mean the centrifugal force - is precisely a washing machine's forté, which is why they are perfectly suitable for space travel.

There was, however, one additional problem, that Russian scientists were simply unable to cope with: there was no radio in the spacecraft. Now, everyone - including all the small town mayors - knows that no decent spacecraft is complete without a radio that allows the president to listen to the news, and keep up with American music culture.  

That said, the toughest part of the job only came once the problem of chips and radios was resolved, because Putin died at least seven times last year, and usually, such a weakened body does not respond well to space travel.

So first, they had to resurrect him (and only a few had managed to do this before Putin, let me hastily add). Then, once this was done, he had to start training for the trip. But wait? What am I talking about? This wasn't even a "trip", but rather a get-away, because Putin was so obviously scared of the lame and limping evil old leader, who is everything but a cutesy. 

But let's stop harping on all these past problems, because - thank goodness - Putin flew away on board a washing machine-chip-powered – or rather, operated – spacecraft.

 

Rumor has it that one of the most, if not the most important component of the spacecraft is a spare part taken from the old, Soviet-styled "raketa" vacuum cleaners that were popular the 60s and 70s. This has not yet been confirmed by SIS, so we don't know which part it is, but it is not a coincidence that the vacuum cleaner's name shows an eerie similarity to the word "rocket."

Raketa vacuum cleaner

Now, EU leaders are considering going after him and catching him, but the coffers are empty. And only a few countries can fly in space, like Russia and China, among others. And because these are underdeveloped, they will now have a problem in Brussels about who to turn to. Ukraine is a key player in the propellant business, because the country now has more rockets than washing machines. Just ask Mr Zelensky to return what he has not yet sold on the black market, and that would provide enough ammo for Brussels to propel its first spacecraft. And once that happens all we need is a yellow-blue - or blue-yellow - uniform, and Commander McLane is ready to go.

And for those of you who do not remember who McLane is, here's a video that takes you back to the future:

Cover photo: Russian President Vladimir Putin, Defence Minister Sergei Soygu and Admiral Nikolai Yevmenov at the annual parade on Russian Navy Day in St Petersburg (Photo: Kreml/Telegram)